Thursday, September 4, 2008

"I love you."

Where: Hospital
Procedure: C-Section
Final Pregnancy Weight: 185lbs.
Two Ups: I love the epidural & room service
Two Downs: the smell of my own burnt flesh & being awake during the whole procedure as the doctors discuss the political candidates (shouldn't they be focusing on me)
Mood: Scared & Sleepy

It became evident that after 20 hours of labor, I would need a C-section. The doctor informed me that even though with the help of pitocin, I still wasn't able to sustain the contractions on my own. The baby was either too big to deliver vaginally or I was too small to push him out. I had endured an additional 3 grueling of hours pushing and nothing, no progress.

At this point, I was exhausted, fatigued, tired and sleep deprived. I wanted him safely delivered and I didn't care by what means. What I wasn't prepared for was going into surgery. My heart was set on a vaginal birth, but the circumstances did not work in my favor. I began to feverishly shake. I was nervous and scared that I would have to be awake during this whole procedure. As I was strolled away in the gurney, my mind began to race: will the epidural wear off before they begin cutting into me, will there be complications with the delivery, is my baby safe?

It happened so fast. They began with the incision, then I felt pressure in my lower abdomen and a tug. Soon, I heard a gurgling noise like someone trying to breathe, gasp for air. The nurse began to clear my child's airway. Then I heard his cry. At that point, I was relieved and I began to cry. It was the most beautiful sound.

The nurse brought him towards me. She put his forehead to mine and I kissed him. The first thing I said to him was, "I love you." That was the last thing I remember.

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